[Well, this feels dumb, but Fiddleford did say that "near a radio" was the best place to talk to the Fourth, so here goes nothing.]

[Hawkeye clears his throat, takes a long swig of gin, and launches into it.]

Calling the Fourth God, calling the Fourth God. Come in, Fourth God. This is Hawkeye Pierce.

I'll keep this short and to the point: this needs to stop. People are getting hurt. People are getting killed over this damn conduits thing. Doesn't that mean anything to you?

I don't know what the deal is with you and whatshername, and nobody's really explained it, but you can't tell me this is the best way to deal with it! You don't solve problems by sitting around breaking each other's things! I was going to say sit down and talk about it like grown-ups, but someone told me you aren't actually a grown-up, so that's not much good. But, uh, as someone who is a grown-up and who took way too long to figure this out, sit down and talk about it. Jesus!

I'm going to try to get in touch with the other one too. But, look, can we try to do this peacefully, maybe? Sit down together and try to see each other's side? Maybe outside town? Maybe on Wednesday? I'll bring cake and sandwiches!

[He's quiet for a long moment, and then much more serious.]

Please. Seriously. People are dying here.